A random thought …
Lil Wayne is a baby making machine. The Census will show a column for “babies created by Lil Wayne” this go-round in their report. His household might mess around and get another Representative in Congress.
I’ve said it a few times that hospitals have begun to put “Dwayne Carter” on birth certificates if mothers claim the father is unknown. It’s an 80% chance they are right.
But sometimes, Lil Wayne is the father *Maury voice*
Which leads to the question, why do women sleep with Lil Wayne? Well, some like troll sex, so that answers for Toya. But for the rest, why do they do it? It’s simple, if you think of Young Money as The Jungle Book. And Lil Wayne is Kaa. You remember Kaa in the Jungle Book? Yep, that’s right, the snake. The smooth talking hypnotic snake that some how convinced you to do things you just didn’t want to do. In this case, 9 months later you have a Lil Wayne.
Makes sense now, huh?
So, I guess if you look at Young Money as the Jungle Book and Lil Wayne is Kaa, Birdman would be Baloo and Drake would be Mowgli aka the Man Cub. Guess that leaves Nicki Minaj as the chick the Man Cub was chasing.
Hey, it’s just a theory.
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I caught parts of the SOS Haiti show on BET, VH1 and MTV. I’m happy they got some entertainers together for a great cause. We need to remember that the work is far from done. Donate, whatever you can.
However, some parts of the telethon seemed a bit choppy and not really well polished. But hey, that’s live television I guess. By the way, Viacom know that they didn’t have to put Mike Tyson on television struggling through a phone call and Ricky Smiley know he didn’t have to be acting out with all the Que dog barking, but I’m not gonna be mad at him. It was good to see Bill Clinton too. No way Kanye can ever say “Bill Clinton doesn’t care about Black people.” Bill Clinton LOVES Black people. Oh and that “Lean on Me” performance at the end, yeah … not a good look. Why? Because it sounded like something straight out of a family reunion where no one quite knew the words. All I heard was, “lean on me … adfadsfkadsleladk akadfsfl adfkasdfl … lean on me.” In the future, swaying and mumbling isn’t a great way to close out a show (well, unless it’s a Gucci Mane show and the entire show is basically that, swaying and mumbling). Just saying.
One my my favorite performances of the evening was from Kirk Franklin, Chrisette Michele, india.arie and Jazmine Sullivan. Kirk + Chrisette + India + Jazmine = a Tyler Perry movie. I can see it now, “Diary of a Family Reunion by Myself Too.”
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Editor’s Note: Yes, the homie @JAlexanderH is at it again. Oh, and my normal disclaimer, beware of the F-bomb! HAHA! Enjoy.
Hello. My name is Joe and I am an addict.
I wake up craving to satisfy the need. The government has announced that the shit I’m addicted to can kill you, and wreak havoc on my body but I do it anyway. Plus those bureaucratic assholes ain’t never disallowed or made illegal the shit, so fuck it. I’mma get high.
I been like this since I was little. I’m pretty sure my parents were both addicts, too. Fuck I KNOW my dad was/IS an addict as we speak. You should HEAR the cocktail of shit this dude prepares for himself. Talk about OD! He chefs that shit up in the kitchen like nobody’s business. Ain’t NOBODY’S whip game better than his. But the concoction will make anybody else probably puke all over everything. He’s been doing this for years, he wrote him a manual.
My mom kind of toned down after my sister was born. I very rarely ever see her get high anymore, if she does it at all.
We were all products of watching shit on TV that assuredly helped to get us addicted.
I’m talking about Cereal, people. Fucking children’s breakfast cereals.
They make us addicted and keep us fucking ignorant to the fact that they are FULL of fucking stereotypes and covert messages of racism an shit, because Madison Avenue used to LIVE to make fun of other cultures.
Side note: Before I go into the shit about Cereal and it’s hidden agenda… Do you all remember how fucking racist Ferrara Pan Candies were? Can anyone find me a picture of the old “Cherry Clan” box? Jeebus Fucking Cripes!
I am a Michigan boy, born and raised and I saw Tony The Tiger take his head off when I was 3 and realized that inside of this strong, athletic, masculine Tiger was a feeble, ginger headed (read: No Soul) woman. WOMAN! TONY THE TIGER IS GAY!!! WHAT. THE. FUCK!!! In addition to him, let’s go down the line of mascots, shall we? And I’m including some other ones on here, as well. Cuz you can’t get enough of that Golden Crisp.
10. I may be dating myself by saying this, but I remember the Soggies. Look them up. They were a race of white blobs that tried to soggify Cap’n Crunch, who is obviously the Christopher Columbine in cartoon form (yes. That was distasteful and on purpose. Fuck off.). Anyway, The Cap’n pushes a cereal that the makers KNOW will fully damage the roof of your mouth. AND look up the WORST things for your teeth as listed by dentists. Starchy, sugary foods is at or near the top. This Sweetened corn and oat cereal is bad for you and nobody cares. It’s also my favorite. I also like Crunch Berries. But I hate that one crunch berry that gets ALL the colors in it and ends up tasting bitter as fuck. HATE THAT.
9. Dating myself again, I’ll just say the first ever attempt at diversity was with the Scary Crew of Frankenberry, Boo Berry and Count Chocula. But they were a Diverse Conglomerate of “FUCK YOUR TEEFUS UP”… And I think they’re so old they are probably the first cereals to change your milk to a different color scheme. I’m not positive on this. SOmeone else do the research, cuz I’m fucking lazy. I don’t even want to lower that capital “O” I just typed. Fuck it.
8. Snap, Crackle and Pop were like the Smothers Brothers and the cereal is bland as fuck. Which makes for why they’re some of the WORST culprits out. They show nothing but strawberries in the cereal on the commercial, but then kids taste the shit and say wait… this AIN’T how it’s supposed to be. Them cartoon fuckers LIED to me. WHERE is the fucking SUGAR?!? And you end up scooping heaps onto the snap crackelly poppingness. And sugar is hella addictive. HELLA.
7. L.C. Leprechaun is a slap in the face to all soulless Irish ginger-people. Plus I got in trouble for eating the marshmallows out of the box and leaving the plain Corn and Oat shit as a kid. So fuck you, bitch ass midget man. Fuck your green coolots, too.
6. Dig Em Frog. Dude. He used to slap some skin to kids and then hit them off with cereal (Sugar Smacks, now just SMACKS). He wore a baseball cap and sneakers and a t-shirt. If this fucker ain’t a caricature of a dope dealing ninja I don’t know what is. Look at this sumbitch and TELL me I’m lying. I’ll wait. HIS CEREAL IS CALLED SMACK, YO.
5. I don’t really DO chocolate an shit like that, but CoCo is yayo. And when you go coo coo for it, you are an addict. Cocoa Puffs is the crack of cereal: You shouldn’t try it cuz that shit’ll kill you. But yet and still, people be going Coo Coo for this shit. When will they learn to listen to Barbara Bush? And I given’t a shit WHAT you say, them ain’t feathers on Sonny’s head… those are DREDZ. He’s a pusher…
4. Buzz Bee of Honey Nut Cheerios should PROBABLY be the number one guy on this list, because people in the commercials crave something, but they don’t know what. And here comes this lil fucker enticing the shit out of them dropping not-so-subtle hints about what his product has and how much they need it. “I want something” “How about some oats and honey?”… I wanna be like “naw, bitch, I want some Jack Daniels” but nobody ever does. They ALWAYS succumb to his wily charms and charismatic buzzing. THEN these fuckers got the nerve to tell me this shit is good for my HEART?!? Okay. Bet. I remember reading something about Cocaine being a tonic for ailments an shit too. So um. Word.
3. The California Raisins got everybody eating Raisin Bran, which is basically cold gruel after you put milk on it. So really, why in the FUCK would anybody wanna eat cold gruel with little ass hard ass sugar covered raisins in it? Because they wanted to be cool like the California Raisins. Nobody was cooler than them. They had shoes but no clothes and they sang like Eddie Cain. And can’t NOBODY SANG like Eddie Cain.
2. Sugar Bear is the Billy Dee Williams of this shit. Really. He TELLS you you’re gonna be addicted and you STILL cop it. No matter that his shit is an inferior product compared to the street shit called SMACKS, but he giveth not a shit. Whatever he touches turns to gold. He is TOO cool for words. If you put him in a room with 22 staunch advocates for the repeal of the Civil Rights act of 1964, he’d have them all talking in jive and listening to smooth Jazz whilst reciting W.E.B. Dubois poems and snacking on Golden Crisp. He’s THAT cool. Think about the last time you thought Billy Dee Williams WASN’T cool. The sumbitch was in damn Brother Man as a lackey named Colin Bromwell to The Man and shilled Fried Chicken to the masses… But made it look and sound cool then a mufucka. HOW THE FUCK?!? That’s who Sugar Bear is. For cereal. I fucking HATE this puffed Oat, just slightly sweeter than disgusting Hippie Kashi bullshit. But I’ve bought a box every year JUST cuz Sugar Bear convinced me to.
1. The aforementioned Tony The Tiger. He’s big, he’s strong, he’s athletic, all the kids love him. He’s presumably rich, he’s got a catch phrase that EVERYBODY knows, he’s been to ALL the main events. He stole the spotlight from Wheaties in a heated turf war over the Nation’s best athletes after everybody realized Wheaties was fucking nasty as fuck (see Raisin Bran above). But the biggest reason why Tony is the biggest pusher of our time is that HE’S ALSO THE BIGGEST PUSHER OF YOUR PARENT’S TIME, TOO! He got them hooked way back when, and he was SO good at it, after he got the kids of those kids hooked, he went BACK for the parents! You remember all those “anonymous” commercials where parent’s admitted to “Tasting it again, for the first time”… They KNEW They were grrrrrreat. And he’s gay, but that’s another story, and completely off subject.
I twitch because of a good number of these cereals, and as I TYPE, my right big toe is dancing to the tune of my left eyelid. I blame these cereals. They are my crack. They are my heroin. And these are their pushers. Directly or indirectly, they have ruined my life. I HOPE they have not ruined yours, too. And if they have… PLEASE think of the children.
Mike Tyson, greatest poet of our time: “Everyone has a plan ’till they get punched in the mouth.”
I saw Mike Tyson on the SOS Haiti Telethon. He looked like he was in good spirits. He was ecstatic to answer the phone and was a personification of good will [that sentence was for you Mike]. He must be on some really good meds, allegedly. I’d like to meet Tyson one day via Skype in a different time zone while never looking directly into his eyes. He seems cool.
I spoke about Tyson a few months back, saying he probably has the best quotable moments of anyone. And truth be told, I’ve always loved the antics of Mike Tyson. I mean, we created him and fed his ego, much like we’ve done to characters like Bobby Brown and Kanye West, for example. So, instead of expecting more from them, just sit back and be entertained by them. I am.
One thing I don’t think people recognize is that Mike Tyson is easily the most unknowing and brilliant poet of our time. His words are genius. He might quite possibly be the illest lyricist the world has ever known. His way with words are unmatched.
The great words of Mike Tyson, poet laureate:
- “Anyone with a grain of sense would know that if I punched my wife I would rip her head off. It’s all lies. I have never laid a finger on her.”
- “I could feel his muscle tissues collapse under my force. It’s ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm.”
- “I don’t try to intimidate anybody before a fight. That’s nonsense. I intimidate people by hitting them.”
- “I just want to conquer people and their souls.”
- “I try to catch them right on the tip of his nose, because I try to punch the bone into the brain.”
- “When I fight someone, I want to break his will. I want to take his manhood. I want to rip out his heart and show it to him.”
- “I have some pain I’m gonna have for the rest of my life. So every now and then I kick your f**king ass.”
- “I’m on the Zoloft to keep from killing y’all.”
- “I could have knocked him out in the third round but I wanted to do it slowly, so he would remember this night for a long time.”
- “I’ll fck you until you love me f–got!”
- “My main objective is to be professional but to kill him.”
- [To a female reporter] “It’s no doubt I am going to win this fight and I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don’t do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn’t talk anymore… Unless you want to, you know.”
- “I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.”
- “I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise to be Allah!”
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Sometimes things are so ridiculous that I don’t need to add anything extra to it. Some of the folks involved in the 2010 ‘We Are the World’ remake are just that, ridiculous.
Unless this is 1) the greatest SNL skit of all times or 2) a great Ashton Kutcher punk’d, some of these folks DEFINITELY don’t belong. But who am I to judge? (oh, right I’m the headmaster of Throat Chop University)
According to many reports, the following will be involved in the 81 performer chorus for the remake.
Kanye West, Jennifer Hudson, Usher, Toni Braxton, Tyrese, Barbra Streisand, Celine Dion and Gladys Knight . Janet Jackson will be doing Michael Jackson’s parts. These are sangers (less Kanye), so this all kind of makes sense.
I’d even give little Justin Bieber, who is apparently singing Lionel Richie’s opening line, a pass on the track.
I might even go as far for the ladies and give Trey Songz a pass on the remake (as long has he’s not talking about he invented something).
Now, let’s talk about a few who do not belong on the track.
For starters *clears throat* T-Pain and Snoop Dogg. Don’t let autotune fool these guys, they can’t really sang at all! Oh and for the record, if autotune makes a guest appearance on ‘We Are the World’, Quincy Jones should throat chop his existence!
According to one report, Lil Wayne is singing Bob Dylan’s verse on the remake. Singing in what key? C’mon son! Whatever is in his cup must have gotten into Quincy Jones cup, cause that’s just foolish.
Oh and yes that’s Fonzworth Bentley up in the right hand corner of this picture (NO PHOTOSHOP). All I have to say is, seriously?! Followed by, SERIOUSLY?! Really, if Fonzworth can make the track and I didn’t see Alicia Keys or John Mayer’s name, then there’s a problem (maybe I missed their names BUT they weren’t listed on the 20 different sites with the story, correct me if I’m wrong).
Yet one of the funniest (literally) people on the track, wait for it … Vince Vaughn. Since when does Vince sing? I guess chorus is a broad term, so he probably won’t have a solo but c’mon! But I do hope this means that Vince will be dropping a mixtape later this year and take Drake’s spot. One can only hope though.
My biggest question after seeing a majority of the names on the track, where was Heidi Montag? She can sing, right? I mean, if we’re just putting anyone on the track, why not? [lmao]
I applaud folks for their effort and for raising money for Haiti but remakes are an original’s worst nightmare. They should have just re-released the track with a new video.
But that’s my opinion.
Word is the video will be in 3D. Guess those Target glasses won’t go to waste.
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*UPDATE: Yeah, I had to take it to video.
Editor’s Note: Yes, I unleashed the homie JAlexanderH again. Very funny (or funnii like the dumb kids say). Oh and if you don’t like the overuse of the f-bomb, you should probably stop reading (haha). Enjoy.
I JUST heard #5 on this list, so I apologize in advance if this is going to sound extra bitter but really… Fuck you if you like these songs, really. Really. REALLY.
I kid, but only partially.
Q said something about a list and I jumped at the opportunity. I feel these things I type are cathartic and I need them to stay sane. I am not sane, so I need to do them more. I digress and run off on tangents, too. I caught myself this time but it may happen during the course of this essay, as I recall some shit in my life that re-pisses me the fuck off. I apologize in advance. Again.
PLEASE let me preface this by saying I am not in ANY way against Women’s Liberation. You STILL don’t really wanna reach for that tab if we go out to Houston’s or some shit but I’m cool with that. Equal rights and respect and all that jazz.
What this is really about is everyone saying some shit when these song comes on in the club or the car or some shit and you singin along with it and really have no sense or right to do so.
If I’m not speaking of you, I’m not speaking of you.
But just as a basic chick says basic shit and tries to call out other basic chicks, some of you singing “to The Left, To The Left” have never had a boyfriend leave anything AT your house, let alone come back to get it after he’s left. Forever. After last night. Cuz he wasn’t your boyfriend. At all.
Again, I digress. Stop me if you’ve heard these before. Please.
Anyway, #5 on this list of shit, anything by Beyonce Knowles.
Really. I understand that she is the Queen of the Gays these days, and I kinda dug that Leyomi thing she did with her hair at the Grammys the other night (is it Grammys, Grammies, or Grammy’s? Help, please.), but really, lets run down the line of shit Thundergoat has bestowed upon the men-folk of the world:
1. She got EVERY chick saying “To the Left” twice in succession, all whilst they were still looking for a guy to buy them a drink. Guess what? The guy who was gonna buy it went… Yes. To the left. Karma, bitches.
2. She was the main culprit in the “Bills, Bills, Bills” fiasco of the early part of the last decade.
3. There really needn’t BE a 3, but just for the sake of it: Survivor blew fucking ASS, and she did that dance at the end of the video. And that dance was totally unnecessary and fucking… unnecessary.
#4 Call Tyrone – Erykah Badu
Which one of her babies’ fathers did she tell this to? Or was it all three? She got a fat ass and all, and apparently that ass is worthy of making dudes dress in shoulder pads with no shirt and furry Lloyd Christmas Boots whilst donning platinum wigs and Fabo’s rejected glasses, but still. She shoulda not had a freeloadin ass ninja in her crib anyway. It’s either OURS or it ain’t NOBODY’S. Word to Vince Vaughan in “The Break-Up” (sidebar: even though I’m positive that a woman wrote that movie… with her gay brother. There is NO WAY the dude was supposed to come out looking like a total douche in that movie unless my hypothesis is correct. Vince had NO redeeming qualities in that flick. NONE. Fuck). Regardless, Erykah had all the hoodrats screaming “Call Tyrone!” or some shit, KNOWING their boyfriend was named Tyrone, and they sounded fucking stupid. Especially since it was Tyrone’s shit in Tyrone’s house. So if he called anybody, it’d be another hoodrat to beat her the fuck up and take her place… In his house.
#3 No Scrubs – TLC
I won’t mention the fact that I know a funny story about a car full of dudes about 5 deep in a non-descript hatchback at a stoplight bouncing hard as hell in the whip to this song in Downtown Detroit one summer evening. I won’t mention that at all.
What I WILL mention is that, being a ball player, I was pissed that I could no longer use this word to describe a shitty player without folk thinking I’d jacked TLC for the rights. FUCK THAT. First off, this song was hot, flaming garbage, and its fucking stupid to think a guy rolls dolo EVERYWHERE HE GOES. So, umm, when I go out, I gotta be fly as fuck AND alone in my nice ass whip? Excuse me, miss… But I’m from Detroit. You tryna set me the fuck up. I should bust you over the head with eight garbage cans, you scandalous ass betch. I hate this song.
#2 My Neck, My Back – Khia
Khia is fucking disgusting and scary looking. And therefore all the other disgusting and scary looking chicks were using this as their anthem. Which was fucked up for many reasons, the greatest of which was that tossing salad is STILL, to this day, a taboo subject. Cute girls were prolly already getting thier asses licked. The “p*ssy and crack” line had already been crossed by fellas if not willingly, then assuredly from a drunken romp in the dark. From the back. It happens to us all. Or not. Regardless… It DEFINTELY wasn’t happening to all the fat, disgusting, beastly Florida Evans/KoKo B. Ware lookin ass chicks that were singing it in the club. And that made men angry.
#1 I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor
Is this only a song for the gheys now on some YMCA shit? Or is that just what Hollywood wants us to think? They always make it seem like its an anthem or sum’n. Maybe I’m confusing this with “I Am What I Am”. Anyway, I hate this song. Its from the 70s. Nothing good came of the 70s, unless it had nothing to do with music, everything to do with sporting events involving the NFL, Cocaine and George Jung or Saturday Night Live. Everything else sucked huge, bulbous, batwing, hairy, Donkey Root. The style of dress, the colors, hell, prolly even the fucking SMELL of the 70s was terrible. Never mind that it was penned at the dawn of the greatest and worst decade ever in human existence (the 80s)… Actually… YES. Pay attention to THAT. She sang this drivel in 79, and lo and behold, we go into economic recession, Reagan is President, Crack comes alive, Michael Jackson burns the fuck up… Yup. I blame THIS song for it.
Read the lyrics. She never took her key back. He hit that later. All of you singing along missed the interesting postscript to that song: She DID let him stay. She TRIED to kick him out, but he still hit that shit. Then when she got pregnant, THAT’S when he officially left that broad.
All men hate these songs. There are more. Like ”Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera but I only wanted to do 5. This time. Perhaps if I hear another on my list I’ll go off again later.
I fucking hate these songs. All of these songs.
Kanye West’s outburst at the VMAs has NOTHING to do w/Taylor Swift’s overall success
Taylor Swift won album of the year at the 2010 Grammys. Immediately, the Internets were on fire.
Did she deserve it? I don’t know, I didn’t hear her album. Not my style. Personally, without hearing her album though, I think Lady Gaga had the strongest album in the category.
But that’s just an opinion and not the point of this blog entry.
I’m not a Taylor Swift stan but it’s foolish to blame (or praise) Kanye West for her success. But Instead of saying what album may have been better (like I said) folks jumped on what I’d like to call the “Kanye made her famous” train. Well, I strongly disagree with the Kanye made her famous debate. He didn’t produce her album, he just interrupted her. Did he make her more known to folks that still don’t care about her or her music? Yes. Did that translate into record sales? No (you may disagree, that’s fine).
I knew about Taylor before the Kanye incident (and according to her record sales, a whole lot of other folks did too). I didn’t like her music but I knew who she was. Her numbers were already strong before the VMAs incident. Why do you think she was 1) at the VMAs or 2) Winning an award for best video? You thought that was an accident? It wasn’t. Taylor was already a multi-platinum recording artist at the time of the VMAs incident.
Check the numbers.
Taylor was already on the come up and Kanye just made her known in a few more homes (mostly homes that didn’t make or break her success). Honestly, the Kanye incident just threw Taylor a few extra interviews and a few “awwww, poor white girl” but she was already on her way. You think because Kanye dissed home chick heads she got extra awards at different award shows because of it? No.
That’s foolish to think.
If Kanye didn’t interrupt Taylor, she would simply be the white chick that you’d be saying “how’d she win.” Basically, the way you felt the four seconds before Kanye jumped on stage at the VMAs. She’d still have the same success and we wouldn’t have the “imma let you finish” joke or the “Kanye shrug.” So if anything, we should thank her. Think about all the laughs you’ve had with inserting the “imma let you finish” joke into different situations and then following it up with the Kanye shrug. If you won’t say it, I will … Thank You Taylor Swift!
If you don’t like her music, just say you don’t like it. If you don’t think she has the album of the year, just say that. Don’t blame Ye. It’s foolish to say because of Kanye West she is more famous and has won more awards. I’ve sat through more than enough awards shows listening to this nonsense. It’s over. It’s done.
Think about this for a moment, do we praise Kanye for George Bush’s decline? I mean, after Kanye West said, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” his numbers did go down. Oh but wait, his numbers were already on the decline.
Just saying.
And that’s all I have to say about that © Forrest Gump
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It seems like they are just letting anyone into the White House nowadays. As you know, Khloe Kardashian joined her husband and the Lakers, as they and their families visited the White House this past week.
What’s funny about the visit is after, Khloe tweeted: “I just meet Obama with my husband!” Meet or met?! Damn, talk about a retweet gone terribly wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah … I know she was excited but shame on the news for reporting it this way. When did twitter become a quoting source to mainstream media anyway? Oh, right, when they got lazy.
Anyway, I bet Obama wanted to dig into his negro dialect bag of tricks when he met Khloe. If he did, he probably would have said, “bitch, where the eff is Kim at?! She got that bomb ass, even tho her sex tape with Ray J was wack. *glances at secret service agent* Damn, she is BIGGER in person.”
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You know when actors show up on the red carpet looking crazy, you’d just assume they are getting ready for a new film role, right? Well, when Kelis (yes, that Kelis) showed up on the red carpet at the Data Awards in Hollywood in this outfit, I just assumed she was prepping for her role as cat woman in the new Batman. Or perhaps she’s the newest addition to the Pokémon family. I don’t know. What I do know is Lady Gaga wouldn’t wear this shit. And you know what? That says a lot, because Lady Gaga wears bird nest and lace curtains as outfits.
I sent this pic of Kelis aka the Fifth Element out for a caption on twitter. As usual, folks went in. Enjoy.
@seolatta: The milkshake has gone bad. Dayum!
@deefashonmajor: Whoever dressed kelis up as an avatar needs to be fired and blacklisted
@SmokingStar: The little “U” on her outfit are getting sucked into that vortex of a camel toe.
@Nooz_Junkie: She’s taking her love for Avatar too far. Rocking the pink Navi look (complete with braid) is not hot!
@DjCHADDUBZ: Chill son, those are the real #spacejams
@dfella: “Rocking the statue of liberty look with camel hoof heels…”
@MauiMescudi: “Has anybody seen Pikachu?”
@_peech: All I can hear is rick james saying “cocaine is a hell of a drug.”
@JonRaff: #Avawhore
@BennyBing: BREAKING NEWS: The first Black Avatar has been discovered on planet earth.
@Jcpoppe: “I have become the physical embodiment of Oochie Wally.”
@dicekiss: “This is what im REALLY doin with the child support money Nas! Ballinnnnnnnnnn!”
@CognacXE: Child Support Hero
@dfella: “Leonidas (nas), I am a generous god. I will make you milkshake beyond measure.”
@seechellez: Her superhero power is her expandable ponytail & her camel toe, she’ll lasso u in & it’ll swallow you!
@_peech: Kelis’ stylist: “Okay everyone, i’m turning off the lights, you have 17 seconds to put an outfit together in the dark! it’ll be fun!”
@terrencejohnsON: The thing is NOT to do acid when designing clothes
@iGo2Far: She’s on her way to audition for Avatar 2: The Hood Strikes Back
@Hurrikane_IKE: The Megatron Dominatrix
@neisha429: Shit shouldve used that blue body paint….Now I’m stuck with this avatar look
@LadyBlogga: Kelis “That man bitch and that crazy heffa ain’t got shit on me. Let me see y’all try this. Dino-couture”
@terrencejohnsON: I see a hoof, and I’m not talking about those demonic platform shoes
@SmokingStar: What happens when the Statue of Liberty and a horse eat acid while listening to Barry White.
@__LadyJ__: Kelis:”Lets see these new bishes top this crazy sh*t! RiRi and Gaga better know their roles!”
@215Esoterica: Oh look…Ariel is all grown up
@jcpoppe: “I really hope Lady Gaga notices me. I won’t pull out of a tour with her.”
@TheSP_Iam: Wow, that’s toe-tally worth 50k/month
@stabYOassbish: *thinks to self* If I dress the part, maybe theyll cast me in Avatar 2!
@Roshiii: Maybe the illuminati rejected her so she’s she desperately trying to be a part of Young Money
@Tai_Li: The same thing happened when they let Mr. Ed dress himself…only his hooves weren’t as high.
@JoNada: This is what Nas’ child support money is really funding? the revival of Cats the Musical?
@HighDefN: Oh I wish i had a roll in Star Trek lookin ass
@x3_gary: She looks like Amber Rose. On Speed.
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The only thing I’ve EVER hated about Kanye West is his overuse of caps lock. However, what’s funny is I bet he doesn’t even use caps lock. He probably just keeps one finger on shift. Why? Cause Ye is different like that.
You can call the man cocky, arrogant and full of himself but Kanye-isms give life. His antics are just as brilliant as Lady Gaga’s outfits. Why? Because you continuously talk about them.
Every time something happens to black folks, what do you say? Right, “(insert name) doesn’t care about black people.”
Every time you interrupt, I bet you start that off with a “I’m real happy for you and imma let you finish” and end it with a Kanye shrug ftw! Don’t you?!
You can call him an asshole or whatever but both his music and his antics are a cornerstone of pop culture. That dude has even made walking around with a mannequin (Amber Rose) popular. I’m for certain many dudes are out there looking for a fixer-upper for themselves.
I assume after this recent CAPS-INFUSED statement, many of us will start to say “FUCK YOUR COLORING BOOK.”
Thank you Ye for another moment of brilliance.
Kanye’s Recent Comments about fashion bloggers and others criticism of him:
WHEN IT’S ALL SAID AND DONE, REMEMBER THE FEARLESS, REMEMBER THE DREAMERS, REMEMBER THOSE WHO REPRESENT THE GHETTO…THE FAIRY TALE OF NOTHING TO SOMETHING. I’M BRIEFLY SADDENED BY NEGATIVE COMMENTS, BUT I HAVE TO REMEMBER THOSE PEOPLE ARE SCARED, INCAPABLE OR JUST PLAIN IDIOTS. WE ARE THE FUCKING ROCK STARS BABY. NO COCAINE, JUST LIFE MY NIGGAS!! NO COCAINE, JUST LIFE! IT’S FUNNY TO ME WHEN FASHION BLOGGERS DOWN OUR OUFITS AND THEN SUPER JOCK OUTLANDISH SHIT ON THE RUNWAY BUT THEN THEY DRESS MAD PRUDE AND DON’T LIVE FASHION. WE LIVE IT MAN. FUCK THAT, WE LIVE IT!!! WE LIVE IT SO HARD PEOPLE LIVE THROUGH US! WE REPRESENT YOUR INNER SPIRIT!! THE CHILD IN US ALL, THE BRUTAL HONESTY, THE NAIVETY, THE BRAVE WARRIOR, THE ADRENALINE THAT ALLOWS A MOTHER TO LIFT A CAR IF HER CHILD WAS TRAPPED UNDER IT! REMEMBER, THERE WAS A TIME WHEN EVERYBODY DISSED MICHAEL JACKSON EVERY CHANCE THEY COULD. IMAGINE THE PRESSURE OF BEING A TRUE ICON. VERY FEW HUMAN BEINGS ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE CONSTANT HATE!!! IF WE DON’T DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS THE SHIT, YOU BEAT US UP VERBALLY AND MENTALLY, LIKE A CATHOLIC SCHOOL TEACHER BEATING A CREATIVE STUDENT INTO SUBMISSION. I CAN HEAR YOU SCREAMING ‘COLOR INSIDE THE LINES!!!’ WELL FUCK YOUR COLORING BOOK, COLOR BY NUMBERS APPROACH TO LIFE. AT THE END OF THE DAY WHO ARE WE HURTING??? OH “THE NEW BLACK???” SINCE BARACK IS PRESIDENT BLACKS DON’T LIKE FUR COATS, RED LEATHER, AND FRIED CHICKEN ANY MORE?! WHEN YOU TRULY UNDERSTAND CULTURAL SETTINGS, BOUNDARIES, AND OUR MODERN DAY CASTE SYSTEMS, THEN YOU CAN FEEL THE GLORY AND PAIN FROM THE DAYS OF KINGS IN AFRICA TO THE NEW KINGS OF THE MEDIA. LET THE BALL PLAYERS DANCE AFTER THEY SCORE! IT’S LIFE MY NIGGAS, IT’S LIFE! REMEMBER CLOTHING IS A CHOICE. WE WERE BORN NAKED!!! FRESH IS AN OPINION, LOVE IS OBJECTIVE, TASTE IS SELECTIVE, AND EXPRESSION IS MY FAVORITE ELECTIVE. NO MORE POLITICS OR APOLOGIES!!!
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Let me start this post off with, Tila Tequila is a waste of time. My fingers are disagreeing with my mind for even writing this piece. But, they continue to type.
You know, I felt kind of bad when Tila’s “fiance” Casey Johnson died over a month ago (no punch line). I stayed away from slamming her over recent attics. I gave her a break, so that she could grieve.
The break is over.
As folks know, I’ve gone hard (not literally) on Tila over the last year or so. To recap, I’m baffled by her “fame” and those that look up to her as a role model. I just don’t get it. Remember, her “fame” is built on most myspace friends (clearly a high school superlative) and a reality show on MTV. Being a celeb isn’t what it use to be, I suppose.
But even in grief attention whores will do what attentions whores do, seek attention, obviously.
So, if you haven’t heard (and you probably haven’t because who really gives a fuck) Tila Tequila is claiming she’s pregnant. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know… AGAIN! Someone might want to tell Tila that saying “I’m pregnant” won’t get you pregnant (birds and the bees 101). She’s that chick that you have sex with, with the lights on with 8 condoms that you’ve inspected yourself and had blessed by a Rabbi because she’s on that trap game for sure. This chick is always claiming to be pregnant and claiming about fifty-leven other things for attention. Remember her suicide tirade that turned into a rant with serious racist undertones? Yeah, exactly. It’s what she does with her ‘ol football sized head and Gary Coleman height.
Anyway.
Well, not only is she claiming to be pregnant again but this time by a “famous” rapper. What “famous” rapper you ask? Oh, the Game (if you can call him famous, hence the quotes). Her claim is that he’s a dear friend and got her pregnant so that her and Casey could have a child. Let me back up to a few months ago when Tila claimed she was pregnant for her brother and it was some sort of a gift for him (sidebar and for the record, I don’t follow Tila on twitter and I only know what folks throw at me to check. I honestly could care less but I’m still writing about it).
Tila, if you seriously wanted us to believe you were pregnant by a rapper, you should have said you were pregnant by Lil Wayne. A little known fact is that 8 out of 10 women in the US today are pregnant by Lil Wayne. Even more interesting, hospitals have begun to put “Dwayne Carter” on birth certificates if mothers claim the father is unknown. It’s an 80% chance they are right.
Anyway, The Game, has denied the claim, saying he doesn’t even know her. She lashed out and said something like “we’ll see in 9 months.” So, this recent claim leads me to believe one thing; Tila Tequila doesn’t care about like skinded people *kanye voice*
No, seriously, I think Tila Tequila was sent to earth to destroy light skinned men. I think there may even be a dark skinned man (allegedly) behind Tila’s quest to bring light skinned men down (insert Wesley Snipes). Think about it for 30 seconds, she did claim that Shawne Merriman choked her out. Shawne is light skinned, right? Yep. So, I’m issuing a warning to all light skinned men, be on the look out for Tila Tequila! I’m straight because 1) I’m not famous and 2) I’m only light skinned in a really dark room. I know Drake is probably already pulling together alibis and watching his back because Nicki Minaj is all the crazy chick he needs in his life.
Now my mind is pissed that my fingers didn’t stop us from writing this piece. Tila is one of those people that I’d wish just disappear. Seriously. She’s the hoe who cried wolf waaaaaaaay too many times. Sooner or later, she’ll claim to be pregnant by that wolf.
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