The Book of Throat Chop: Entry #23

I’m no Scrooge. I enjoy Christmas and the festivities and most of the decorations that come with it. “Most of” being the operative phrase. I absolutely loathe those blow-up lawn ornaments. A dislike I share with my mother. I want to throat chop the owners and she wants to shoot the ornaments with a bb gun. I guess mom and I could run around town like the Bonnie and Clyde of blow up ornament destroying!

It’s like I woke up one holiday season and they were everywhere – Snowmen, Santa Claus, specialty characters and more. Regardless of what they are, I hate them ALL! Hate is a strong word but damn I get angry when I see them. My neighbor across the street puts up a new one every year. I think they put it there just to taunt me. It takes all my strength not to walk across the street and drop kick that thing or to stick a pin in it and laugh while it deflates. The other day while it was snowing I wished that the snow would bury it before it inflated that evening. But it did not bury it, as it inflated right on cue at 5:30pm. They are hideous. They are stupid. They bother me to no end.

I can imagine my dislike of them becoming a nightmare one evening in which I am visited by “Blow-Up Ornaments of Christmas Past” trying to convince me that they are cool and meaningful but even then, I’d still “bah humbug” those foolish things. I’m all about the Christmas holiday but I’m straight on these damn blow-up ornaments. So, throat chop blow-up ornaments, the person who created them, their manufacturers and those that purchased them and placed them in their yards. Otherwise, happy holiday!

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