“They are my crack. They are my heroin…”

Editor’s Note: Yes, the homie @JAlexanderH is at it again. Oh, and my normal disclaimer, beware of the F-bomb! HAHA! Enjoy.

Hello. My name is Joe and I am an addict.

I wake up craving to satisfy the need. The government has announced that the shit I’m addicted to can kill you, and wreak havoc on my body but I do it anyway. Plus those bureaucratic assholes ain’t never disallowed or made illegal the shit, so fuck it. I’mma get high.

I been like this since I was little. I’m pretty sure my parents were both addicts, too. Fuck I KNOW my dad was/IS an addict as we speak. You should HEAR the cocktail of shit this dude prepares for himself. Talk about OD! He chefs that shit up in the kitchen like nobody’s business. Ain’t NOBODY’S whip game better than his. But the concoction will make anybody else probably puke all over everything. He’s been doing this for years, he wrote him a manual.

My mom kind of toned down after my sister was born. I very rarely ever see her get high anymore, if she does it at all.

We were all products of watching shit on TV that assuredly helped to get us addicted.

I’m talking about Cereal, people. Fucking children’s breakfast cereals.

They make us addicted and keep us fucking ignorant to the fact that they are FULL of fucking stereotypes and covert messages of racism an shit, because Madison Avenue used to LIVE to make fun of other cultures.

Side note: Before I go into the shit about Cereal and it’s hidden agenda… Do you all remember how fucking racist Ferrara Pan Candies were? Can anyone find me a picture of the old “Cherry Clan” box? Jeebus Fucking Cripes!

I am a Michigan boy, born and raised and I saw Tony The Tiger take his head off when I was 3 and realized that inside of this strong, athletic, masculine Tiger was a feeble, ginger headed (read: No Soul) woman. WOMAN! TONY THE TIGER IS GAY!!! WHAT. THE. FUCK!!! In addition to him, let’s go down the line of mascots, shall we? And I’m including some other ones on here, as well. Cuz you can’t get enough of that Golden Crisp.

10. I may be dating myself by saying this, but I remember the Soggies. Look them up. They were a race of white blobs that tried to soggify Cap’n Crunch, who is obviously the Christopher Columbine in cartoon form (yes. That was distasteful and on purpose. Fuck off.). Anyway, The Cap’n pushes a cereal that the makers KNOW will fully damage the roof of your mouth. AND look up the WORST things for your teeth as listed by dentists. Starchy, sugary foods is at or near the top. This Sweetened corn and oat cereal is bad for you and nobody cares. It’s also my favorite. I also like Crunch Berries. But I hate that one crunch berry that gets ALL the colors in it and ends up tasting bitter as fuck. HATE THAT.

9. Dating myself again, I’ll just say the first ever attempt at diversity was with the Scary Crew of Frankenberry, Boo Berry and Count Chocula. But they were a Diverse Conglomerate of “FUCK YOUR TEEFUS UP”… And I think they’re so old they are probably the first cereals to change your milk to a different color scheme. I’m not positive on this. SOmeone else do the research, cuz I’m fucking lazy. I don’t even want to lower that capital “O” I just typed. Fuck it.

8. Snap, Crackle and Pop were like the Smothers Brothers and the cereal is bland as fuck. Which makes for why they’re some of the WORST culprits out. They show nothing but strawberries in the cereal on the commercial, but then kids taste the shit and say wait… this AIN’T how it’s supposed to be. Them cartoon fuckers LIED to me. WHERE is the fucking SUGAR?!? And you end up scooping heaps onto the snap crackelly poppingness. And sugar is hella addictive. HELLA.

7. L.C. Leprechaun is a slap in the face to all soulless Irish ginger-people. Plus I got in trouble for eating the marshmallows out of the box and leaving the plain Corn and Oat shit as a kid. So fuck you, bitch ass midget man. Fuck your green coolots, too.

6. Dig Em Frog. Dude. He used to slap some skin to kids and then hit them off with cereal (Sugar Smacks, now just SMACKS). He wore a baseball cap and sneakers and a t-shirt. If this fucker ain’t a caricature of a dope dealing ninja I don’t know what is. Look at this sumbitch and TELL me I’m lying. I’ll wait. HIS CEREAL IS CALLED SMACK, YO.

5. I don’t really DO chocolate an shit like that, but CoCo is yayo. And when you go coo coo for it, you are an addict. Cocoa Puffs is the crack of cereal: You shouldn’t try it cuz that shit’ll kill you. But yet and still, people be going Coo Coo for this shit. When will they learn to listen to Barbara Bush? And I given’t a shit WHAT you say, them ain’t feathers on Sonny’s head… those are DREDZ. He’s a pusher…

4. Buzz Bee of Honey Nut Cheerios should PROBABLY be the number one guy on this list, because people in the commercials crave something, but they don’t know what. And here comes this lil fucker enticing the shit out of them dropping not-so-subtle hints about what his product has and how much they need it. “I want something” “How about some oats and honey?”… I wanna be like “naw, bitch, I want some Jack Daniels” but nobody ever does. They ALWAYS succumb to his wily charms and charismatic buzzing. THEN these fuckers got the nerve to tell me this shit is good for my HEART?!? Okay. Bet. I remember reading something about Cocaine being a tonic for ailments an shit too. So um. Word.

3. The California Raisins got everybody eating Raisin Bran, which is basically cold gruel after you put milk on it. So really, why in the FUCK would anybody wanna eat cold gruel with little ass hard ass sugar covered raisins in it? Because they wanted to be cool like the California Raisins. Nobody was cooler than them. They had shoes but no clothes and they sang like Eddie Cain. And can’t NOBODY SANG like Eddie Cain.

2. Sugar Bear is the Billy Dee Williams of this shit. Really. He TELLS you you’re gonna be addicted and you STILL cop it. No matter that his shit is an inferior product compared to the street shit called SMACKS, but he giveth not a shit. Whatever he touches turns to gold. He is TOO cool for words. If you put him in a room with 22 staunch advocates for the repeal of the Civil Rights act of 1964, he’d have them all talking in jive and listening to smooth Jazz whilst reciting W.E.B. Dubois poems and snacking on Golden Crisp. He’s THAT cool. Think about the last time you thought Billy Dee Williams WASN’T cool. The sumbitch was in damn Brother Man as a lackey named Colin Bromwell to The Man and shilled Fried Chicken to the masses… But made it look and sound cool then a mufucka. HOW THE FUCK?!? That’s who Sugar Bear is. For cereal. I fucking HATE this puffed Oat, just slightly sweeter than disgusting Hippie Kashi bullshit. But I’ve bought a box every year JUST cuz Sugar Bear convinced me to.

1. The aforementioned Tony The Tiger. He’s big, he’s strong, he’s athletic, all the kids love him. He’s presumably rich, he’s got a catch phrase that EVERYBODY knows, he’s been to ALL the main events. He stole the spotlight from Wheaties in a heated turf war over the Nation’s best athletes after everybody realized Wheaties was fucking nasty as fuck (see Raisin Bran above). But the biggest reason why Tony is the biggest pusher of our time is that HE’S ALSO THE BIGGEST PUSHER OF YOUR PARENT’S TIME, TOO! He got them hooked way back when, and he was SO good at it, after he got the kids of those kids hooked, he went BACK for the parents! You remember all those “anonymous” commercials where parent’s admitted to “Tasting it again, for the first time”… They KNEW They were grrrrrreat. And he’s gay, but that’s another story, and completely off subject.

I twitch because of a good number of these cereals, and as I TYPE, my right big toe is dancing to the tune of my left eyelid. I blame these cereals. They are my crack. They are my heroin. And these are their pushers. Directly or indirectly, they have ruined my life. I HOPE they have not ruined yours, too. And if they have… PLEASE think of the children.